manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
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Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Friday night party time 🥳
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head