Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
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ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳