Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
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Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
The honesty is refreshing
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015