[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.