I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
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I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Worth remembering.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Pretty much! 😂👀
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.