Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
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Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.