[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
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haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
The answer is funnier than the question
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove