My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
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My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.