being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
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a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
A dad and his duck
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me