You Might Also Like
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware