Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
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“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023