Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
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A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.