When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
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I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.