At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
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Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me