“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
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*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful