My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
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Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
welp
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no