shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
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“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Wednesday
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
beware of dog