Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
You Might Also Like
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
hackers play passwordle
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
wtf is a larm clock?
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.