Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
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Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Thinking about Jeff
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.