Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
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My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Just me?
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Sorry. Not sorry
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.