professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
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When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it