BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
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Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.