Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
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Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time