Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
You Might Also Like
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?