I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
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“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.