Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
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Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
S/o to @funTweeters .
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas