the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
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Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes