[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
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Lavender
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
don’t be scared
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
bears
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.