Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
You Might Also Like
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
how to market bottled water to dads
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*