*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
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A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.