If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
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Scream sneezers need love too.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I enjoy a good short stor
My daily affirmation
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.