No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
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I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.