me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
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My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine