Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
You Might Also Like
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.