Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
You Might Also Like
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
How to find Kentucky on a map
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?