My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
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Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind