BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
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Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.