Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
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Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go