Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
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Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent