[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
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[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Guys, I found it.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.