4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
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If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”