STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
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We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!