dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
You had me at “define legal”.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Feel. He’s so soft.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.