Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
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The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
British websites use biscuits.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
This probably isn’t good