Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
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Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!