meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
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can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I love you…
…r dog.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
The symmetry is uncanny.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district