Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
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[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Just why bro?!
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
where do you see yourself in five years?