straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
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[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably