This made me smile…
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23. the denim jacket
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
The Compass
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Denise please return my vape pen
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves