me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
You Might Also Like
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.